Caring Parents a complicated issue in the ‘Flats culture’ by Fr. Nelson Lobo OFM Cap

 26th July

Feast of St. Joaquim and St. Anne

The feast of St. Joaquim and St. Anne, the so called grandparents of Jesus and the international day for grandparents (usually celebrated in September) rack up the issue of caring for the senior citizens.  Old age homes, Retirement homes, Home away from Homes whatever name you may give such institutions the reality is the same and they are mushrooming everywhere.  Visit to such homes and interaction with senior citizens in them leaves our hearts concerned.  The nagging issue that crops up in our minds is that “Why do children abandon their parents?” But the question is: are they really abandoned?  This is a debatable issue in modern times with nuclear families embracing the “Flats culture’. With both parents embracing “office culture” in order to make a quick buck and remain in this man created rat race of affluence and wealth the issue about the care of the aged parents especially in the flats becomes a complicated issue in the modern times. 

The debatable questions that make this issue knotty are:

• Who feels more abandoned: the aged parents in such homes or the parents at home who witness the brutal neglect of their basic needs right before their eyes?

• Who feels more pain the parents admitted in such homes or neglected in their very homes where sons living in the same house (owned by the parents) do not even talk to them?

• Are children revengeful when they admit their parents in old aged homes? If they are vindictive, why such a revenge? Is it because the children did not receive the necessary time and love from their parents when they were young? Is it because the parents abused them physically, psychologically or even sexually in their childhood?

• Are children forced to ‘abandon’ their parents due to job issues, migration issues, constant travel issues, siblings rivalry issues, partiality and favouritism issues on the part of the parents?

• Why does family life change the day children tie the knot?

• Why do sons make U-turns after marriage?

• Why do DIL and MIL can never have peaceful existence in the same house?

• They say old age is second childhood. Senior citizens once they cross three scores and ten (Biblical number -Ps 90:10- which is 60+10) begin to behave like kids. Does this create a problem to those who care for them?

• Are senior citizens governing their homes and properties with an iron hand?  Do they expect the youngsters to follow ‘My ship my order’ commands?

• Is there a clash between the old and the new generation? Especially the uneducated old and the highly educated new? Is the generation gap cause of neglect of senior citizens?

• Are old age homes a fall out for embracing ‘flats’ culture?

• Is unemployment the cause of neglect of parents?

• Is modern life style of “me & myself” the principle cause for division in the families?

How has the modern society got into such a scenario?  

From single (Adam) to double (Adam and Eve) from double to family (Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel), from family to joint family.  Now trend is reversing:  From joint family to nuclear family (Two are too many), from nuclear family to no family (live in relationship), from no family to single. For thousands of years families lived together (they had immediate help to care for the old about to depart and the new arrivals) but now in the last fifty years or so we have seen nuclear families mounting due to the real estate boom of flats and bungalows. Is there a solution in sight? Can we stop such a trend? Will the children suffer the same fate? The golden rule says “do not do to others what you don’t like done to yourself”. The Bible says: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you” (Mt 7:12). Will it be pay time karma issue when children grow old? Remember the popular wooden bowl story? When the 4th commandment says respect and honour thy parents: How can children honour thy parents? What about those children who even physically abuse their parents (literally hit them)? What about those children who psychologically torture their parents (either with their abusive words or by their indefinite silence)? An old man went to the mobile shop to check if his mobile was working.  The shopkeeper said that the mobile was working fine. The old man replied “if my phone is ok why is my son not calling me?”

 

      As life progresses it becomes complicated.  World is geared for material development. Speed is the mantra. Slowness is a curse.  This takes up all our time.  World is no longer centered on God.  Governments and big corporates do not design their system based on what God wants.  The world system is geared on what man wants.  Therefore all of us are caught up in this race. Money not only talks it rules. We have no idea how to get out of this complex web. When we go after money we are caught up like an insect in the spider’s web. We dangle in the air with our hands and legs tied up with deadlines, targets and no leaves.   So in this state of affairs to give and make time for the elderly, the sick, the poor, the dying becomes agonizingly tricky. The Catholic Church (other organizations too) reading the signs of the times have always put its right foot forward. Wherever there is suffering the Catholic Church has always tried to reach out to the needy.  Therefore so many Homes for the aged were started to lessen the pain of the elderly, to give them a proper descent burial.  With no other solution in sight this could be everyone’s future. Airports will be places of farewell tears, Old age homes will be places of déjà vu, ancestral houses will be places of historical visits and flats will be our golden prisons. Every action has opposite and equal reaction said Newton. We embraced nuclear families and welcomed the ‘flats culture’ and kicked out our living together in traditional homes. So let’s put up with the inconceivable side effects. 

First published on Facebook on 18 July 2019